For jess

Dear Jess,

I’m writing you this letter in order to collect myself a bit and in an attempt to be thoughtful and seek truth and meaning. This letter comes from a place of friendship, joy, contentment, love, honesty, humility, and open communication.

The truth is, I was pretty awful to you at times in our relationship. I spent so much time in heightened frustrations that actually had nothing to do with you, and created an environment that was sometimes hostile, confusing, callous, and wishy-washy. I’m sorry that you had to go through that with me. I was wrong to bring you along that harsh upsetting journey, and should have taken the time to figure out what the hell was going on inside me, right my own relationship with the Creator and myself, and not just listen to what you were telling me but actually hear you.

And I hear you now. I’m hearing that you need friendship and don’t want more than that. I understand that you are encouraging me to continue on my current journey and continue growing and developing. I’m hearing that you are on the journey of your own - hard fought - and with so much increase of wellbeing. I’ve been able to see your path from afar and I’m so proud of you Jess. You have no idea how much joy it brings me to see your bright face, head up, glowing as it once did years ago - only with my mind and eyes and heart now open and following the light myself.

I had been pushing a thought in the back of my mind aside for quite some time now. My journey has somewhat followed Jonah’s story of running from the Lord and ultimately getting tossed into the sea and spit up back on dry land. I just re-read the book, and I had completely forgotten that when he ultimately did go to Nineveh to warn the people of the city that they had turned from God, the people actually shaped up and did in fact turn back to God, with humility and uncertainty of their future! To top it all off, Jonah then became upset that He spared his people, and went out into the desert to sulk. Man that story hits me hard, and Jonah’s response is also a warning about responses to God’s grace and mercy.

When you first responded last week to my message, I had no idea what to expect, but I certainly didn’t have any expectation of connecting like we did. That was real, Jess. I think that was only the third time in my whole life I’ve felt so powerfully, joyfully, fulfilled, connected, and overwhelmed in gratefulness with someone. And all three of those moments were with you. Once on the side of the road on the way to Salt Creek Falls in Oregon, the another time when I came out to visit you in NC and we stayed in that house on the beach. Speaking for myself - as a shy, loner, introvert - I have never otherwise been vulnerable and open with someone to experience that together. I had no idea we had taken the same journey through seeking God, resisting with principle what the rest of the world was conforming to, and both becoming conspiracy theorists, ha! But seriously, that connection is real and genuine and meaningful Jess. When I said that I want you, I don’t want anyone else but you. Put more specifically, I wan’t to go through the rest of this life with you.

When I was living with my brother before leaving Portland, Lindsey asked about you unprompted. She had somehow remembered or known that you wanted to become a flight attendant and asked me if you ever did, and where you were living. Jess, I cannot control my heart. I’m unable to prevent my heart from leaping with joy and love and hope at your name. I can’t prevent the feelings that I have for you, the feelings I’ve always had, even since that first interaction and the note you left me on the bar. We started and stopped a number of times, and honestly, there was always something I used to think scary to me, that your eyes peered into me, and I have operated alone inside myself my whole life, and that frightened me. I was scared as hell and didn’t know what to do with that while in the state I was in back then. But over the last nearly seven years, I came to understand that is all I’ve ever wanted in my life. To love and be loved. To understand another and be understood by her. To know and be known (in both it’s dual meanings). To build up a relationship, to build up a family, to build up a home with someone of like mind who wants those things too.

Jess, I wanted all of that with you. After you left I spent most of my weekends on the opposite coast, wandering and peering into tide pools. Peering into my heart and examining it. At the time, I wrongly thought that I needed to just ignore my heart and simply follow my logical head. Forget about feelings and just reason my way along. But I was wrong. And I wound up dating a woman for six long years, never connecting, she always frustrated with me, judging me, telling me I was doing everything wrong. I found out what it was like to live in that hostile, confusing, callous, and wishy-washy environment from the other end, and it was awful. So awful, that three years ago, I started my own journey alone while still in the relationship. I began questioning my lack of faith, wondering what happened to the meaning and purpose in my life, emotionally building grace, peace, forgiveness. Physically building my body strength. Fortifying my mind in the midst of the storm. What was I being prepared for? Why was I compelled to train myself up? How hard it was to swim upstream while everyone around me shook their fingers and shamed me for not conforming.

Would you and I ever be in a position at the same time to come together again, anew, and differently? Build one another up, lifting each other when needed, pushing the other when necessary? We’ve lived in parallel, with rhyming rhythms and responses and growth, and yes I had a bit further to come along and catch up, but when I first saw you in Ogden, you were in a hurting place as well and timing was quite often not on our side.

I want to be plain about what is on offer. I have nothing Jess, just piddly things and no great fortune or special mind. I have walked the path to where I’m at, but I’m a nobody except for in the eyes of my family, my friends, and the Lord apparently. I don’t know a whole lot, in fact, there is little I’m certain of these days. I’ve made huge mistakes, I was boastful and conceited, I was easily angered, fearful, I thought I knew what I was doing, but clearly I did not. To be honest, that was enough to turn anyone away from wanting anything to do with me. I still don’t really know much. But I have a name, I could give that. I have a body, it’s aging and scrawny, and worth very little, but that could be yours. I don’t have much Jess, but I do still have a heart, if you want it I give it freely to you in perpetuity. You owe me so absolutely nothing Jess, but I’m all yours if you maybe wanted me. I don’t need you, you don’t complete me, and you don’t need me & I don’t complete you, but we could build something together, along side one another, hand in hand, brick by brick, board by board, day by day. I don’t have much, but I would care for you. I used to be a tree standing in the forest, but was felled long ago. My wood is now dried out, and some was burned up in fire, it’s not much, but what is left we could build a home with. I have grace and humility, it’s not common these days, but it’s yours if you want. I have peace, contentment, joy, and an utterly overwhelming gratefulness each and every day, it’s yours if you would want me. Tenderness, carefulness, softness where stone once stood, if you wanted that it’s here wanting you. Two arms, they’re not much, but they would wrap you up and hold on to you for the rest of your days on this earth if you desired them to. Eyes filled with tears of joy and honesty to gaze back into yours, knowing what your heart is saying without words, they’re not a very bright blue, but these are yours too if you’d like. I’ve worked hard with these two hands to build time to explore and adventure, we once travelled together and that was most fulfilling to me, to hold hands as we drove along - I still have adventures left for you if you’re interested in exploring the world with someone who desires to do so with you. I’m sure there’s more that I could offer, and when the winds and seas come crashing in, I will not let go of you, I have that, it’s not much, but would be there for you if you chose me too.

After you left, I went to my mom’s house. My Aunt LeAna and her took me to a Chik-fil-a one night for dinner and we were talking about you. You and I had been talking over the phone a bit about our relationship, but I had not yet come out to see you. I was telling my mom & Aunt about you wanting children and they both asked me if I ever wanted children. Yes, I said. The timing and relationship just never got right. Would you have children now? With her? Yes, I said. I built space in my heart for you, but you were gone. I built space in my life for you, but you never came back. I built a bicycle for you that you would have loved, but you never got to ride it. And I don’t blame you Jess. You made a decision that quite honestly, was a good decision in light of where I was at previously. Even when I came out to see you in NC with a plane ticket back for you, I still had a lot of work to go on myself, but there was an awakening. I want good things for you Jess. I want you to find joy, peace, and love. And you have been on a path, your journey is leading you toward a bookmobile and maybe a major airline and you are already in North Carolina. Honestly, I don’t want to fuck any of that up or hurt you in any way. I want to edify and uplift and encourage you. It may be that I’m too much, or not enough, or wrong timing. But I can’t turn off my heart. I’m yours if you want me.

The only thing I can control is my response, and you’re asking me to be a friend. So I will be a friend. I hear what you’re saying Jess, and there is wisdom in what you say. I will continue loving you from afar. If this is all too much for you, or you don’t want to see me, I understand. If you need anything, please let me know. I expect you want to continue your journey alone, and I respect that. I actually love that about you. You’ve built quite a life for yourself and I was excited to hear about your journey and dreams and plans. I genuinely hope and pray that you find fulfillment and contentment and love in this big ol’ great life we’ve been living. I know that I have, and it gladdens my heart to know you’re increasing in wellbeing, connecting to your creator, and finding truth and meaning along the way.

With love,

Jordan